The New Priest

Joke ID#656
Funny (3.19)
Rating (1.38)
Submitted Bydsquared
Corrected By candyqueen_5
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
12) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Comments on this Joke
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Posted by Tiekyl May 21, 2003

Lol!! That some great stuff there

Comment score: 2  

Posted by dsquared May 21, 2003

Yeah Tiekyl, it's one of those ones that you just sit there giggling the whole way through with the occasional raucous of laughter. My fave is the one about David and Goliath I think.

Comment score: 4  

Posted by alex1234 May 23, 2003

Do you make up your jokes?

Comment score: 2  

Posted by dsquared May 25, 2003

I wish I were that funny alex but I'm not so much a 'make a joke up kinda person, I'm more of a discussional joker really ie. take what someone else says and make a funny side comment. Most of the jokes I have posted here are a very select grouping from the millions I receive via e-mail that just aren't funny (or should I say, I don't find them funny ;P ). When I get a real rib tickler I include it here.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by hilo Jul 21, 2003

oh my god that is so friggin hilarious! NICE!!

Comment score: 4  

Posted by skoolkid Nov 02, 2003

I like 9 the best, but they are all good.

Comment score: 1  

Posted by sweetpeao4o3 Feb 20, 2005

hahaha i like 7

Comment score: 2  

Posted by hamburger Jun 15, 2005

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!!! #'s 5 and 9 are the best. I cant stop laughing at nine!LOL!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by dsquared Jun 15, 2005

It's a while since I said thanks for the comments... so, thanks for the comments

Comment score: 0  

Posted by erniedingus Aug 22, 2005

i got dis 1 thru 1 o ma daily joke newsletters an it makes me laff every time!!! gd 1!!

Comment score: -1  

Posted by 2sandwoman Oct 29, 2005

5,9,12 hilarious! Keep them coming! Love it

Comment score: 1  

Posted by phoenixoflife Oct 24, 2006

Thats one of the best ive heard all day

Comment score: 1  

Posted by triskit Aug 27, 2007

i laughed so hard i cried

Comment score: 0  

Posted by mth_lvr Oct 26, 2009

5-5-03. me too, dsquared(can i call you d?)

Comment score: 1  

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