19 Directions


Details
Joke ID#130
Funny (3.34)
Rating (0.33)
CategoryOther / Misc  
Submitted Byim_para_noid
Corrected By markmonnin
Special Add To My Favorites
Email Joke to Friend

Rate Joke
(483 votes so far)

If you become a registered user you can vote on this joke.



In the words of Albert Einstien "There are two things infinite; the universe and human stupidity," if this doesn't prove one of them, I am not sure what will. (Oh, and let me tell you, this doesn't prove anything about the universe)

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume -WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)




Comments on this Joke
Hide Comments Below :
Posted by Gizzer Mar 17, 2003

Anybody else notice that this joke called "19 directions" has 26 directions!

Comment score: 12  

Posted by im_para_noid Mar 17, 2003

thats part of the joke...............

Comment score: 10  

Posted by Drunky Mar 18, 2003

*must stop laughing...cant breathe* absolutely hilarious.

Comment score: 5  

Posted by Christina0213 Mar 19, 2003

That's hilarious!! I have another one...I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!

Comment score: 10  

Posted by smileysteve Apr 04, 2003

Best joke i've seen so far!

Comment score: 3  

Posted by od-1 Apr 08, 2003

too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment score: 3  

Posted by marymary Apr 25, 2003

***brilliant!!!***OK, here's one, on the box of a baby pacifier once I saw:WARNING-CHOKING HAZARD hahahahehehe

Comment score: 2  

Posted by welshl Nov 29, 2003

I just read on one of those pop-ups:Who sells coffee? a. STARBUCKS b.blockbuster c.Office Max

Comment score: 4  

Posted by arjun May 21, 2004

Here's another one: at the bottom of a pack of baby diapers - DO NOT REUSE OR RECYCLE and this on the top - 100% RECYCLED!!

Comment score: 6  

Posted by ace_of_spades Sep 10, 2004

Good one!

Comment score: 1  

Posted by jon0513 Dec 28, 2004

The list is hillarious! It is my favorite one!

Comment score: 1  

Posted by MKH_90 Jan 03, 2005

I got another, on a see-through bag, it said " Contents- Carrots" like I cant see that.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Knightdog Jan 31, 2005

Funniest one I've seen so far. And thanks for the commenttatory.

Comment score: 0  

Posted by books_i_luv Feb 25, 2005

omigod this is so hilarious i have no idea how u guys get these good jokes

Comment score: 1  

Posted by maria_08540 Mar 04, 2005

This is a great joke! Is this really true?

Comment score: 1  

Posted by Queeny05 Mar 18, 2005

why do u call it 19 directions? very funny

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Geno Apr 15, 2005

freakin hilarious i liked the chain saw one

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Geno Apr 15, 2005

i once seen a pack of bologna that said contains real meat (what were they using before?)

Comment score: 6  

Posted by prettypinkbabygr Apr 16, 2005

I got one, on a package of icecream sandwhich it said "Do not heat" naw 4 real

Comment score: 0  

Posted by changegurl May 27, 2005

too funny

Comment score: 3  

Posted by ashleyrena143 Jun 11, 2005

hehehehehehehehehehehehe

Comment score: 2  

Posted by hamburger Jun 13, 2005

This is by far the greatest joke Ive ever heard. I seriosly cant stop laughing!

Comment score: 4  

Posted by smartie_pants Jun 14, 2005

Ha Ha Ha, I love this joke. only i dont get #5.

Comment score: 3  

Posted by username Jun 15, 2005

#5 says that the product is not tested on animals. but this product is insect repellent, so if you didn't test on animals how do you know if it works? am i correct? By the way, many of these I've read before and are really funny.

Comment score: 3  

Posted by 2006 Jun 16, 2005

Not all of the beginning is funny but once you keep reading you're rolling on the floor!!!

Comment score: 3  

Posted by Sarah5225766 Jul 09, 2005

great joke, my favs were 5 and 15 bug spray "not tested on animals" (but i guess this has some sense to it, i mean, bugs aren't animals), and the knife one "keep out of children"

Comment score: 3  

Posted by Dawn830w Aug 04, 2005

VERY FUNNY. I was laughing so hard that my eyes started to tear up. I am putting this one in my favs.

Comment score: 0  

Posted by _pid Aug 23, 2005

OMG! and these r real? lol! make more of these

Comment score: 0  

Posted by brain_dead Jan 01, 2006

hilarious!!!! can't stop laughing! going to my favorites. although i am curious about the title

Comment score: 1  

Posted by anetan2005 Jan 04, 2006

stupidity eh? hahaha! had me laughing out loud!

Comment score: 1  

Posted by tallnterrific14 Jan 06, 2006

wow, these were one of the jokes that actually made me laugh out loud! good ones!

Comment score: 1  

Posted by hahahaha May 25, 2006

I once saw one on a Unpopable balloon that said do not poke with pointy objects otherwise it may pop.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by bibidybobidyboo May 31, 2006

that is one of only a few jokes that can actually make me laugh out loud! i've got one too- my cousin had a birthday card with a badge on it saying "3 today!" and on the back of the badge it said-"warning, sharp object. do not give to anyone under 40 months" !!!!

Comment score: 3  

Posted by girliepie Jun 03, 2006

One day we were making french bread to go with our meatball marinara, and the pachage on the bread said: Do not bake package! Naw...I was just gonna melt that plastic all over the bread and eat it. Duh...

Comment score: 1  

Posted by timmycool Jun 05, 2006

this is goin to my favs! i can't believe the stupidity of some of these!!! they are so funny i was laughing every time i went on wocka.com for about a week!!!!!!!!

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Question_Sleep Jun 11, 2006

I might make one of these things, I have a book with 101 of those, so I will use different ones. Hilarious! XD XD XD XD

Comment score: 0  

Posted by curious_george Jun 13, 2006

So funny!! My brother had a laser tag set and right in the middle of the instructions it said: WARNING- do not look directly into sun light. It was kinda random...

Comment score: 2  

Posted by mumbo_jumbo Jun 24, 2006

best one in a year! congratz!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by benjam Aug 02, 2006

Hilarius. Its in my favs.

Comment score: 0  

Posted by Battery Jun 01, 2007

done so

Comment score: 0  

Posted by sbk1993 Mar 21, 2008

COOL!

Comment score: 1  

Posted by thedoublew Jul 16, 2008

number 7 was the best great joke! but alot of thsi was fro another joke

Comment score: 2  

Posted by mth_lvr Aug 26, 2008

this is spooky!read my jokes and comment on them,or else tonight you'll be....nah it's too horrible to tell you

Comment score: 0  

Posted by 90sgirl Apr 12, 2009

The sarcasm made it all the more funny

Comment score: 1  

Posted by enderofgames Dec 20, 2009

Congratulations on the most favorited joke on Wocka! I, of course, added it myself, too!

Comment score: -1  

Posted by luna103 Apr 02, 2011

this is a repeat.

Comment score: 2  

You need to Register before you can comment.
Username: Password:

New Users...      Forgot Password?