Things My Mother taught Me


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Joke ID#1237
Funny (3.2)
Rating (0.43)
CategoryMen / Women  
Submitted ByNewf
Corrected By boodler
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My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"




Comments on this Joke
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Posted by Gizzer Jun 04, 2003

Hilarious!

Comment score: 2  

Posted by einat17 Jun 30, 2003

Real funny... You're the only one with 4 smilies :-)

Comment score: 4  

Posted by lilpapa92 Jul 20, 2003

funny ROTFLMAO

Comment score: 3  

Posted by kgirlca Feb 07, 2004

Comment score: 0  

Posted by Monique114 Feb 11, 2004

Hilarious!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by puzzler Jan 19, 2005

Good one Newf

Comment score: 2  

Posted by jonesy Jan 21, 2005

This is so funny! I love it!

Comment score: 1  

Posted by books_i_luv Feb 24, 2005

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhthis is so funny i cant stop laughing

Comment score: 0  

Posted by sugar May 08, 2005

This was a good one My mother laughed through the whole thing

Comment score: 0  

Posted by ntsoaky Jul 22, 2005

this is so hilarious, i cudnt stop laughing.str8 2 my faves.

Comment score: 1  

Posted by kelsey777 Aug 28, 2005

your jokes are great!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by schatzy228 Apr 05, 2006

oooh-rah! Mothers, you gotta love em! - - - -

Comment score: 0  

Posted by yauhin May 03, 2006

Hilarious--laughing all the way through!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by boodler May 10, 2006

Liked the ESP one best; they stick out a mile!

Comment score: 0  

Posted by Squelch Jan 24, 2007

nice

Comment score: 1  

Posted by Jokester Feb 12, 2008

the criss-eye thingy is true.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by Jokester Feb 12, 2008

I mean CROSS eye.

Comment score: 2  

Posted by hotchick_802 Feb 22, 2008

hahaha! funny but at the same time all true!

Comment score: 1  

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